H is for Hope
by ipacacdoll
Summary: A prompt fic from LiveJournal.


"Crap." Meredith cursed under her breath as she checked her schedule for the next month.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked her, peering over her shoulder to glance at the piece of paper in her hands.

"I'm on nights next week, and we're supposed to be trying to make a baby then." She said, folding up the sheet and putting it in her purse.

They hadn't told anyone- Meredith hadn't even told Cristina, but they had been trying to get pregnant for four months now. For two months before that, it was just coming off the pill and 'seeing what happens', except it never happened. Now she was actively trying, scheduling sex with her husband. That wasn't the way she thought it would happen. The amount they had sex, she would have thought she would have gotten pregnant straight away, but it was proving more difficult than she thought.

"I guess that means we're taking this month off…" She sighed, looking out of the window as they drove home together.

"Not necessarily…" Derek said encouragingly. "You could come in a little earlier, or I could come back 's early days yet, Meredith. We haven't even been trying that long…" Derek tried to remain positive, but it was hard not to get pulled into Meredith's worsening disappointment every month. "The fun is in the trying anyway…" He attempted to joke, but Meredith just cringed.

She knew six months was nothing compared to other couples, and they had a long time before they had to worry about not getting pregnant, but she didn't like how out of her own control it all was, and every time she got her period, Derek could see the disappointment in her eyes. That was why she didn't want to tell anyone they were wanting to have a baby. She didn't need people asking her if she pissed on a pregnancy stick, or whether she tried eating a particular diet, had sex in a certain position. She couldn't deal with having to tell them she wasn't pregnant, and seeing their faces fall. Dealing with her own disappointment was hard enough.

"I just feel like… there is a window of opportunity. Where the baby would be old enough when I apply for fellowships and I could move across the country and not worry about it. Where I wouldn't miss important parts of my residency during maternity leave. But now… it seems like another thing I seem to have absolutely no control over. And then I lay awake at night thinking… thinking 'what if there is something wrong with me? What if I can't get pregnant?' and I know that's putting the cart before the horse, and I know we haven't been trying that long, but all the rational thought goes from my head, and all I'm left with is fear."

Meredith had learned that all fear was bad, sometimes it was healthy, because it meant you actually cared, and this was something she cared about an awful lot. The decision to have a child wasn't one she made on a whim, but wanting it so badly could have been holding her back.

Derek swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing uncomfortably. "Do you want to see someone about it?" He asked, his voice quiet and low.

Meredith breathed deeply. "No. I just want to do this the right way. If the baby is conceived in an on-call room, what kind of mother will I be? In surgery on their first day of Kindergarten like my mom was?"

Derek laughed. "I don't think it matters how or where. Kathy conceived her first baby in the backseat of her car on the way to Chicago…"

"How do YOU know that?" Meredith gasped.

"Sisters tell each other everything. Sometimes they forget I'm a brother. Actually, she doesn't even remember having sex on that day, just that she was on the way to Chicago with Jim to visit her in laws."

"I guess finding an on-call room for half an hour through next week isn't that bad in comparison…"

-X-

The week of night shifts was beginning, and so was this month's quest to make a baby. The quiet Sunday evening before the Monday, Derek and Meredith had been curled up together on the couch watching TV, and Derek had promised her he would make sure there was an on call room free, and she wouldn't have to worry about a thing. But now it was nine o'clock on the Monday night, and Derek hadn't even called her yet.

It was such a considered decision to want a baby, Meredith was adamant on doing things 'the right way.' She couldn't have her child go through the same things she did, have the same type of mother she had, and was scrambling to find a balance somewhere in her life.

"Owen wants us to spend Thanksgiving with his mom. He should know better, right? It's July, and he's already talking about it!" Cristina said, her voice piercing Meredith's anxious silence.

Meredith gave her a small smile. "He should. But if I can make it through a Shepherd one, how bad can it be with just his mother?"

"I'll need liquor. Lots of it." Cristina sighed. "What are you doing for Turkey day?"

Meredith shrugged. Hopefully by Thanksgiving she'd be pregnant, and maybe she'd be in her second trimester and it would be ok to fly to the east coast, but if she was in her first trimester still, she'd rather not, and they'd just do something in Seattle…

"We should all go somewhere where we don't have to pretend to love family time, someplace where we can get drunk off our faces and forget about this one day of fake togetherness…" Cristina suggested enthusiastically.

In that moment, Meredith nearly told her best friend that she was trying to get pregnant, wanting to share it with someone other than Derek . She had always told Cristina everything, bouncing everything off her best friend. She missed her, missed her useful yet seemingly useless advice, needed Cristina to not listen to her but listen to her rant. Meredith opened her mouth to speak, but her phone rang in her lab coat pocket, saving her from having to answer Cristina.

"So…" Derek said in a seductive tone. "I have a change of venue…"

"What?"

"Come on, it will be fun. Go down to the basement, I'll meet you there."

"Derek…." Meredith sighed in exasperation, but was too late as she heard the line go dead.

"Hmm… booty call?" Cristina asked.

"Something like that." Meredith replied, trying not to look like she was lying, because as she was told many times before, she was a bad liar.

"Mer…" Cristina began,and Meredith turned around to face her. For a fleeting second, it seemed like Cristina was going to ask her what was wrong, why she didn't jump at the bait to sit and complain to each other for fifteen minutes. But Meredith plastered on a fake smile, and was glad that it was Cristina she was talking to, and not Izzie, who was far more perceptive than her best friend. "Have fun." Cristina said, a tinge of wariness in her voice as she watched Meredith walk down the hallway.

Meredith made it to the basement, remembering their hang out when they were all interns, but after George died, they didn't hang out there anymore. They weren't five interns anymore, and it didn't seem right without him. They had good times down there, confiding in each other how beaten they were by their internship, helping Alex studying for his exams, stealing chips from each other while sitting on broken gurneys. But now Derek had made her come here, talking to her in that annoyingly smug tone that she secretly found irresistible.

"I'm in the basement now, Derek…" Meredith said impatiently. "You're wasting time, and I could be paged at any time."

"Ok, fine." Derek conceded, greeting her with a kiss "I had this whole romantic thing planned, but you don't seem in the mood…" he brushed the hair off her face, a flash of concern ripping through his eyes.

Meredith sighed, falling into Derek's open arms. "I think I'm just sleepy and grumpy…"

"I guess that makes me 'Snow White'" Derek joked, but Meredith looked up at him in confusion. "It seems you're 'dopey' too…"

"Ha ha." Meredith replied sarcastically, as Derek led her through the tunnelling hallway of the basement into an unused room. "Where are we going?" She asked.

He said nothing until he guided her through empty linen cages and shelves stacked with broken equipment to the middle of the room, illuminated by candles and a queen sized bed. A broken filing cabinet served as a makeshift nightstand, with a wine bottle in a kidney dish filled with ice.

"What is this?" She asked in shock, as she sat down on the bed.

Derek beamed at her, proud of himself. "Well, I had to come to the basement last week to see the accounts and billing people, because they made a mistake on my payslip- they missed a zero…" He winked before continuing, "And I had never been down here before, and I got a little lost- did you know there are two basements in this hospital? Anyway, I was searching for their department, and I stumbled across this room, with this queen sized bed just sitting here, unused. And I know you were anxious last week about an on-call room, and I thought this would be a perfect place to meet."

"Derek…" Meredith was choked up, as Derek wordlessly handed her a glass of wine. He listened, he was being so thoughtful, and although he couldn't alleviate all of her anxieties, he was doing his best. At least they wouldn't be squashed up in a squeaky twin bed in an on call room.

"It's just grape juice…" He whispered, his lips brushing her ear lobe gently as his nose grazed her cheek. "You know what I realised? We were losing the fun and that flirtiness, that spontaneity of wanting it, of being in the right mood, of making a baby in it's most natural form. I want that for us."

"I want that too." She admitted, smiling a true smile.

"If we have to make this baby in this hospital…." He groaned against her lips, tasting the sparkling grape juice she had been sipping at "then I don't want to just rush it, like… like it's an automated thing."

"Mmm…" Was all Meredith could say, as she felt Derek's fingers grip the wine glass and take it out of her fingers, as he pushed her down, her body sinking into the pillows. "I love you, Dr. Shepherd…" She sighed softly, her hand finding the curls behind his ear.

"Dr. Grey…" He replied, his hand inching up her scrub top. "You're beautiful." The dim candlelight made her curves seem softer, his fingertips running over her skin as if they had all the time in the world.

Meredith hooked her leg around Derek's, as her hands fumbled at his clothing. She almost forgot that they were in the basement of Seattle Grace, at half past nine at night, while she was on the night shift. They could have been anywhere, because in that moment, the only thing she had on her mind was Derek, no work, no baby, just the man who was loving her.

Afterward, some of the candles flickered dangerously, threatening to blow out as they lay there silently. Meredith was in no rush to get up, she didn't care if people were wondering where she was, or if there was work she should be doing. Derek was in a semi-sleepy state, his hand resting on her stomach as he took even deep breaths.

"Maybe this month is our month." She whispered softly into the heavy air. She didn't know why she has said it, she just had a feeling that maybe this would be it.

Derek's grip tightened around her. "I hope so…" He said, kissing her muzzed hair.

-X-

Three weeks later, and they both had a Saturday off together. There was a conference in New York they had been invited to attend, and they were presenting a poster about their trial, and about a better viral cocktail they had perfected.

"Let's go to the park today…" Derek smiled as he walked into the room. He perched on the arm of the couch, waiting for her reply.

"What?" Meredith asked, looking up from the laptop.

"It's such a nice day out, and you're stuck inside, perfecting that already perfect presentation. Stop it and absorb some vitamin D." He replied, lifting the computer from her lap and placing it on the table in front of her.

"I take that multi-vitamin tablet every morning. I have more than enough vitamin D." She huffed as she watched Derek close the lid of the laptop.

"I'll buy you an ice cream cone from the cart…" Derek bribed her, holding out his hand to her.

She smiled, holding out her hand for him to pull her up. She stretched her muscles, looking out of the window. It _was_ a nice day outside, and some fresh air would be nice.

"You know, you should think about getting a new car…" Derek casually mentioned as they passed a car dealership on the way.

They'd had this argument before. Every time Derek suggested it, Meredith would refuse. It seemed like every time they went somewhere together, Derek would suggest just test driving one. "I don't need a new car." Meredith replied, her voice strained.

"I'm just saying- you could get one with better mileage per gallon, maybe on of those hybrid ones, I mean, your car is old and…I just don't know why you're so opposed to it."

"And I don't know why you want me to get a new one. I don't have to worry if I scrape this one against anything, it runs, I'm not going to get anything for it anyway."

"You could look… for the future."

_Future._

The word hung in the air, refusing to disappear. For when they have a baby. Meredith knew that's what he was getting at. He wanted a safe car for when they have a baby. And if he had actually _said_ that whenever he mentioned it, he would have gotten a better reply than just a heavy sigh.

"For a future baby?" She asked him, her voice high and tinny. "We don't even know if I'm pregnant, Derek!" she snapped, glancing down at her watch to avoid looking at him. "Oh my god! Is it the twenty-fifth?" She gasped, grabbing his hand to look at his watch and peered at it.

"Yeah, Saturday the twenty-fifth… why?" he asked, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"I'm four days late…" she exclaimed, unable to keep the hopefulness out of her voice.

Derek ran a hand through his hair, swallowing hard, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. "Ok… ok…"He breathed, gripping the steering wheel. "Erm… should I go to a Walgreens?"

Meredith thought for a second. "No. we'll go on to the park. Because if it's not positive, I don't want it to ruin my day."

They reached the park, walking slowly to the ice cream cart. Derek wasn't sure if this was a good idea after all- there were moms with strollers and babies everywhere, and they didn't know if that would be them that time next year. The anticipation of not knowing was driving him crazy. He wished he didn't listen to her and just bought a test and _made_ her pee on it.

He paid for two cones, and felt the melting ice cream dribble down his hand as he remained pre-occupied. "How can you enjoy that ice cream without knowing?" Derek asked her as she sat on the bench next to the playground.

"Because I'm scared." She admitted.

"And when you're scared you avoid…" Derek acknowledged, his arm snaking around her shoulders.

"You know me." Meredith smiled wryly. "You know, I've avoided the carousel for … twenty-seven years now. It gives me the creeps. The last time I was on one, mom was fighting with Richard Webber, begging him to leave his wife. I was crying for her, and she didn't even notice me. After that moment, it seemed like she never really noticed me."

"You can't avoid things you fear forever…" he said, wiping his hand with a napkin before holding hers. "And I'm here with you. In some ways, you're the bravest person I know, coming from where you were to where you are now. Who would have thought that after vowing forever with each other on that post-it note we'd have quietly gone to city hall on the last valid day of our marriage licence?" He grinned at her.

Somehow, Derek made her feel better, and she found herself laughing along with him. And this feeling was why she didn't want to know. She wanted a few more moments of hopefulness before they had to start the whole cycle again. They had found this easy rhythm with each other, such an ordinary, accessible love that they didn't need to try to find, because it was always there for them. And she knew, even if she peed on a stick and it wasn't the result they wanted, they would pull each other through.

"I have an idea…" Derek said suddenly, pulling her up from the bench and before walking towards the carousel.

"We aren't going on that thing, Derek. The horses are creepy, and the music is creepy… it's just creepy. " She insisted.

"You have to face the fear…" He laughed, pulling her up onto the carousel. "Come on, even five year-olds are enjoying it…"

"I never said the fear was rational…"

"If you can get over this, your other fear will seem like nothing…"

She grudgingly got onto the carousel, with Derek behind her. She closed her eyes for the first minute, blocking out the spinning feeling, and the jolly music, and the memories of her mother's unsuccessful love story. Her life was different now. And within another minute, the fear was no longer there, and although she didn't enjoy it, and wouldn't go on one again in a hurry, at least she knew she could face her fears.

-X-

As soon as Derek heard the toilet flush, he opened the door to the bathroom. The sticks shook in her hand as she waited for the longest three minutes of her life. If god was cruel, it would be a false alarm. But she knew she could get back on the carousel no matter how hard it seemed. She could feel Derek come up behind her, his body offering her support when she thought her legs might buckle under the weight of anticipation.

They stood there, in their bathroom in silence, scared and not knowing what to say to each other. It didn't seem like there was anything to say until the several pregnancy tests confirmed their fate. They both wanted this so much, to share this moment together. Derek held onto Meredith tightly, his heart beating wildly against her back.

One by one the tests showed their results, and Derek grabbed the boxes, his eyes skimming the words, which all seemed such a blur. Meredith dropped the tests, each one hitting the tile floor noisily as Meredith turned around and sobbed, collapsing into Derek as he stumbled to the toilet, perching on it as his legs wobbled.

"Fuck!" Meredith sobbed, gripping him tightly as he kissed her temple. "Seriously?"

Derek couldn't say anything. There were no words that could describe what he felt. Euphoria. Relief. Disbelief. "Is it real?" He breathed.

"We're going to have a baby!" Meredith continued to cry. "It worked."

"You did it!" Derek smiled as Meredith's gaze finally met his, her eyes tear filled and puffy.

"No, we did it." She corrected, kissing him on the lips. "I'll need to do a blood test… and tell Cristina."

That's when he knew it was real, when his wife was dialling Cristina's number in the bedroom, still sniffling as she tried to explain to her best friend _why_ she didn't tell her before. He reached for his cell phone in his pocket, his finger dialling his mom's familiar home number, the first one he ever memorised.

_Mom, Meredith's pregnant._

Now they'd have to think about getting Meredith a new car. For the future they knew they would have.

_I'm the one that loves you lately_

_You and me we've got this great thing._

_We're the only ones that are around,_

_We're the only ones that are around_

_This Babylon._


End file.
